The dreaded C word

I have Cancer.  What?  Wait a minute.  How did I get here?  Why me?  What did I do?  What’s next?  I have so much I want to do.  I have little kids.  This cannot be happening.  How did I get here?  My mind is racing a mile a minute. 

My story:  I found a lump several months ago in my left breast.  Everyone tells you to do self-breast exams, but no one tells you what to do next.  So, I called my ob-gyn to report the lump.  The staff there asked me a few questions.  My age, did breast cancer run in my family, did I have any discharge, and did I have any pain.  My answers were 38 and no to all.  Based on my answers the staff said they would go ahead & schedule an appt. at their next available, but there was no hurry as it was probably nothing.  Not knowing any better, I accepted their answer.  So, I waited almost 3 months for the appt.  I went to the ob dr.  He felt the lump & said I should get further testing.  Still hopeful it was nothing, but wanted to be sure.  He gave me an order for a diagnostic mammogram & ultrasound.  I worked at getting these scheduled at the local imaging place.  However, they said I needed to go to the main hospital location as diagnostic mammograms required a different type of equipment.  I scheduled that appt. – 2 weeks later.  Well, it turns out that was a terrible snow day.  I was scheduled for the first appt. of the day, the kids were off school & the roads were terrible.  So, I rescheduled.  Again, still thinking it was nothing – just a cyst or something minor.  I knew regardless what it was I would get it removed, but I thought I had plenty of time.

Appointment day arrived.  I went to Gateway Regional Hospital.  The staff did both an US and Diagnostic Mammogram.  Ultrasound was painless.   Diagnostic mammogram was terrible.  I tell you, my baseline mammogram 2 years ago was nothing, but this one was painful.  They had to do things much more thorough & get all angles.  After the mammogram, a dr. who read the mammogram results came in and told me she was sorry I had cancer.  It was very serious & I should see someone right away.  What?  I could not believe it.  I was in shock.  It took me a few minutes to realize what she was saying.  She gave me some brochures & asked if I had any questions.  Well, not now, I can’t even see straight let alone think of questions at this point.  I had driven myself to the appt., so now what.  I got out to my car, I called Mike, I called my mom & then I called my ob.  The nurse there was very informative & got me an appt. with a surgeon right away (5 days later).  I had now gathered myself a little to ask a few questions & of course went online to do some research.  Come to find out, even though the mammogram reader was correct, she misspoke.  You cannot diagnose breast cancer based on a mammogram.  You must do a biopsy.  That is the ONLY way.  Based on this information, I was again hopeful for my surgeon appt.  I did not find the days hard to pass & I was able to keep very busy.  Other than Mike, my mom & dad & sisters, I did not bother to tell anyone.  After all, why bother anyone unnecessarily & there was still hope it was nothing serious.  Many find lumps all the time & it amounts to nothing.

Surgeon appointment day arrived.  Mike went with me to this appt.  We were both very hopeful all would be fine.  This was again a consultation appt. to go over some possible scenarios.   The dr. felt the lump.  You really can’t miss it.  It is about the size of a half dollar & it is very firm.  Anyway, he decided to do a biopsy in his office.  That way we could get moving on this sooner.  He & his nurse stressed that results take 5-7 business days & many come back just fine.  Do not panic.  They will let me know when the results are in.  Well, time ticking again.  Turns out the surgeon dr. was scheduled for a vacation the following week so I was going to have to wait 12 days for the results and again come in for a consultation appt.  (I just have to throw in how I hate all these different appts.  Can’t we just go & get everything done.  Each time I go for an appt. is another $40.00 & the visits are starting to add up.)  Anyway, home we go.  The biopsy wasn’t bad.  A little skin numbing shot & then the tissue retractor.  After, there was a little blood & some bruising over the next few days, but overall not bad.

The diagnosis:  Well, turns out the lab did the test right away.  The dr. called me on Friday (1 day after the biopsy) with the results.  He actually called between surgeries.  First, he left a message for me to call him.  I was excited & full of hope.  After all, if the results came back that quickly, everything must be fine….  Jennifer, I am so very sorry to tell you this.  I absolutely hate doing this over the phone, but I really wanted you to know before I left for vacation.  You do have an evasive form of cancer.  We will talk more at your appt. when I get back, but you really need to consider a mastectomy.  You are very young & your outlook is very good.  We could do a lumpectomy, but the quickest & easiest way of treatment is a mastectomy….  Wow, I am taken aback.  My heart and mind is racing.  It wasn’t supposed to be like this.  This was not the result I had my mind set on.  What am I going to do next?  How will I survive?  Please don’t let it be me.  I don’t want to do this.  I don’t want to be the one.

Ok – grab hold of yourself.  I am a strong person.  I can do this.  I have so much to live for.  I have such a wonderful family & so many great friends.  I CAN DO THIS!  Who needs boobs anyway, they are so over-rated.  Now, to call Mike, & my mom.  Now, to tell my dad.  All done over the phone.  I call Janet (a friend’s mom who recently went thru breast cancer).  Janet assures me everything is going to be alright.  She will help me with anything I need.  She tells me her story.  What an amazing woman with such courage.  I can do this!  I call Siteman cancer institute to make an appt. for a second opinion & to get a game plan started.  I did trust the other surgeon, but we live so close to St. Louis & have so many great resources available.  I want to use them.  My mom is freaking out.  She rushes home from work.  I’m ok, but how do I tell people?  You don’t just go up to your friends & say I have cancerJ  How do I tell the kids?  My main concern in this ordeal is to keep the kids’ routine as normal as possible.  They do not need to be drug down because of me.  I am so proud of them.  Thank goodness it is me with cancer & not them.  Please Lord, let me be fine & Please let my children stay healthy.  Let me see them grow up.  Let me watch them drive, graduate, get married, have children.  Please let me continue to be their mom.

Well, it is getting a little easier.  I emailed the pastor to be added to the church prayer list.  That will take care of notifying most people.  Mike tells his family.  I tell my sisters.  We sit down to tell the kids together.  I’m all ready to tell them.  They are sitting on the couch anxiously awaiting my news.  What mom?  Are we going somewhere exciting?  Do you have a surprise for us?  I’m tearing up.  I can’t even get the words out.  Mike does it.  Well guys, we want to tell you that mom is sick.  She has breast cancer.  They may have to take take her boob off to get the cancer out.  Ethan, Is she going to die?  We hope not.  Remember how Miss Janet had breast cancer & she is fine now.  Morgan, Are they going to give you a metal boob mom?  No, why?  That would hurt to hug you with a metal boob.  Peyton, will we still get to go to Borders to get some books sometime before Christmas?  Of course.  And, they are off.  I LOVE my kids.  What a way to bring light to a situation.  Their innocence is wonderful.  Yes, I can do this.  I continue to call a few friends who I want to hear it from me.  Everyone is so supportive.  I am such a lucky person.  The outpouring of love & prayers brings tears to my eyes.  I am in such awe for everyone around me.  I know I will beat this with God’s help.

At this point, I am still naively hoping for the best.  I hope/plan to do a mastectomy.  Might as well get rid of it as soon as possible & continue about my business.  I have no idea how long treatment will take.  If they take it off & find that the cancer has not spread to my lymph nodes, I will not need chemo & radiation.  That is what I am praying for!  Also, timing is good, this is the beginning of February.  I’m hopeful this can all be done before summer & I can still get out on the boat & still make our fall cruise.  I am staying upbeat & positive.  My schedule is still as busy as ever.  I have kids valentine’s day parties, the boat show, monster jam tickets, Disney on ice tickets coming up……  The list goes on.  For now, from everyone I have talked to & everything I have read.  I am doing it right.  Positive & upbeat & busy.  That is me.